Fan Mail

Dear Fran,

I am so mad, I feel like I've been strapped to a spit over hot coals.

For years, I've put up with the wise cracks about my weight (fat as a....), my appetite (...out), my ear (which some jerk wanted to use for some kind of purse after that pit bull tore it off), my tail (it doesn't look or feel like human hair, trust me ), my inability to levitate (when...fly), and various parts of my anatomy that are consumed or turned into sporting goods of the NFL variety. Oh yeah, I hate the term 'lard a--".

I don't want my congress critters to lobby for pork, and I don't want them to bring home the bacon.

It's been bad enough suffering because of my species. Now I feel marginalized because of my gender and my color. It's a good thing I keep my religion to myself, but I'll give you a hint, we don't eat you know what.

But this is the last straw. Now they're on me for my lipstick. Tell them to knock it off, please.

I don't know where else to turn.

Thanks,

Your friend, Minnie

Dear Minnie,
Pat Oliphant agrees with you.
You are not alone.
Love, Fran